Time Resets

This time of year is always so weird for me. I don’t feel like I experience time like everyone else. As a person who works in the service industry I tend to work holidays, weekends, nights, birthdays and pretty much anytime that people have things going on. I feel as if my bosses have a heightened sense for when I might have a social obligation and they schedule me to work. Scheduling time with me is a dance that typically I have to start a month in advance.

I miss out on a lot and frankly it’s hard to be social outside of other people within the industry. I always forget about holidays and find myself caught off guard when they finally come up. This Thanksgiving/Christmas has to be the weirdest thing for me. I actually didn’t have to work and I have zero idea what to do with myself and my freetime. What do people do for these things? What do people do to relax? I’ve been having a hard time figuring that part out. Mainly because my family sees that I’m free and they want to cram every moment I have with TV programs and catalogs/books/clippings/drawings that they’ve been saving for when I’d see them again. I can only watch so much TV and read so quickly. I feel like I’m getting whiplash from changing my focus on different things as they catch me up on life. I appreciate every moment of it though.

I have a very hard time sitting still. I always have to have my hands moving and trying to sit for long is impossible unless I’m asleep. To be honest I can’t even stay asleep long but I’m sure that’s something else. I guess it’s anxiety but in my line of work it’s a very useful skill and when all you are is your job, what’s the problem? I sadly am just my job. Hopefully I’m just my job for only this moment in my life.

With the start of the new year I’ve been reevaluating the things that I’ve been working towards.

Are my goals still in line with where I want to be and will what I’m doing right now get me there? 

That type of existential crap.

It’s an important question that you have to ask yourself isn’t? I feel like if you don’t stop to ask yourself – very honestly ask – is it worth it, is when you lose focus on things that are enriching and opportunities that might come up. I kind of feel a little gross saying that motivational bullshit, but it is true. I’ve taken a long look at what I’ve been working towards lately and I’ve come to the realization that, although I’ve learned a lot, I am very much so wasting my time doing what I’m doing. I’ve started looking for other jobs, but I’m also taking a chance on my writing.

Not a whole lot of people know this, but I used to be in Theatre as an actor, and I’ve written a few plays. My family all thought that I’d get into acting and directing, and of course, like a set up in a sitcom, they’ve been guilting me about it lately. I can’t remember why I’d stopped to be honest. Maybe I felt it was a fantasy that was above me and I needed to focus on making a real paycheck. I’ve talked about this previously.

My mother has been signing me up for writing competitions and theatre festivals. It is the funnest thing to me. Like I’m back in high school and my mom’s worried that I don’t have friends or like its a set up for a joke where I’m the punchline. I just find it so funny, but I’m also grateful that she’d found these opportunities. I would have never looked for them and I certainly wouldn’t have tried to do this before.

I also have an amazing friend who has always asked me for art or to help her build costumes who pretty much yelled at me for not giving her business cards. Why would I think to give her cards? I was just doing that for fun and the fact that she’s my friend. I haven’t been serious about making money from this. You know the whole creative-taint thing. This situation is very typically female though. We doubt ourselves until enough people tell us to stop being stupid and get to work. Seldomly are we able to be bullheaded enough to fight the fog. Our parents don’t want to admit that but bullheadedness also is a trained skill.

It’s weird and a little depressing for me, because I gave everything into being a chef. I don’t know how much time and not to mention literal blood, sweat and mental breakdowns I’ve had to get to where I am. In the past I was very driven to work up that corporate ladder and being successful meant getting promotions. When I realized that I really didn’t know how to do things that people in my field had mastered in their culinary programs is when I left my job. The amount that I missed was very, very obvious. I still feel like I’m from another country and I’m learning the customs of the locals. They treat me as such.

l feel as if I’ll always be given scraps and pieces that they think will appease me. Most people expect me to want to find a husband so they don’t take me seriously when it comes to work. Sad and annoying, but that’s just how life is. That attitude will change, but not in my lifetime. It also taints my want for companionship, but that is another story for another time. I feel like something has broken in me and I have a missing piece that I didn’t realize wasn’t there in the first place. I fear of picking it up.

Where are you going with this? 

Fuck I don’t know!

AM I supposed to be making resolutions or promises? Is that really a thing? The only way to change the past is to make sure you don’t repeat it in the future.

I suck at endings.

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