Assessment

I’m in such a weird spot in my life. Again I’m living with family and again I don’t know what path to take. Where are my damn rabbits when I need them! I’ve been going back and forth on if being a chef is what I should be doing or if I should just say fuck it get a coffee shop job closer to where I live and focus on writing more? I do feel like I’m close to something where I’m at now, I just really find the people to be exhausting and I would love the 4-5 hours I spend driving back. Lately I have been without my phone and that has been very weird. My phone had a complete and total death that none of our current technological advances could revive, and I had to wait till payday to get another one. I’m first world poor what can I say?

It has made me very anxious being disconnected from my communication and what I realize is my distraction. Instead of working on what I’d want to work on I just sit and scroll through other people’s pictures or stories. I would sit and wait for people to get back to me that have better things to do than talk to me. Checking my phone compulsively even though I know there’s nothing new.

In a lot of ways it has been very liberating and I found some things that I would not have if I was still in my distraction-bubble and my routine. New songs. New books. New ways to write.

I have a long-ish commute that I talk about way too much. It’s all anyone wants to talk about is my drive. My answer is always something like: the drive is long-ish and there are cars? It’s always the same question and the same answer. I can see into the future with how repetitive things are. The drive is long and boring, it is even longer if I don’t have music to listen to, and without my phone I have no reliable source of music. The radio stations fade in and out as I make my way through the Altamont Pass. As beautiful as it is driving through the hills with the large wind-turbines off in the distance, it is very hard to keep my focus on the road if I don’t have something or someone to listen to. So I bought a book. Stardust by Neil Gaiman. It’s a book that I’ve been wanting to read for a long time now, and since I didn’t have the time to sit and read, this was a great time for an audiobook. I was surprised at the end when there was a small interview and Neil was talking about his process, the ways he writes, what he uses to write, and how long it took.

He mentioned a writing program that I would have never found on my own and in the end it gave me a great sense of relief when he started giving timelines. Some things took him years to write and see come into being and in a lot of ways he’s still working to finish them years later. Time is always something that I’m insecure about, because up until recently I haven’t really had control over my own time and I feel as if I should have had more done by now. There is always this push to have everything put together or completed before others or completed before we turn a certain age that the idea of allowing time for projects to grow or giving time for ideas to be perfect – takes – well time.

Before the start of my death (tad bit dramatic, but it’s how I feel about the situation) I didn’t have any time to myself or the things I liked. If I had a day off or free time my partner gave me tasks to keep me busy. I used to ask them why did I always have homework? They controlled my time and my money and by the time I got out I really didn’t even exist as a person. I had no credit, there were no bills in my name, there was nothing, and in a way it was the most amazing thing they could have done. I could just leave and there was nothing holding me there. Only recently have I started to figure out what I’d wanted out of life. I could have done the simple thing of keeping my “good” job, getting the husband/wife, settling down, and basically following what I was being told to do, but I didn’t really feel like that would have been enough for me. Yes I want a simple life, but I guess I want it in a roundabout way.

I had, had a good job and I was on my way to buying a house, but I remember sitting down in my apartment and asking myself, “Is this really it?”

Sure I could have fought up that corporate ladder, and I would have been able to quickly, I just couldn’t shake this feeling of there being something else I needed to do. I also couldn’t shake the feeling that I was just following the plan that my last partner had made for me. Once I was out, finally on my own, I started to do everything or anything that I’d wanted to and it really did push people out of my life. The solitude is helping me see clearer and really hone in on what I need to do and how I’m going to get there. Now I get to have ideas and they can just be my own, not tainted by someone or something that has to control my every move. It’s nice, but I still feel a bit lost. What I want to do does feel insane for me to accomplish, yet in the end if it doesn’t terrify you, then it isn’t worth it.

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