Contagious

Well I guess I’m getting in my writing time after all. I’ve been working on a entry about my creative process lately and all I’ve managed to do is have my mind wander on about 5 other topics. Which ironically is my process. I’ll get into free-writing later, but now with the pandemic all I can think about is how crazy things have spiraled out of control, not only in my life, but for so many people. I’m an introvert and being forced to sit inside with a cup of coffee/tea is pretty much heaven. I just wish I was in my own apartment at this moment and then it would be magic to just be hanging out with my animals and reading all day. I can imagine how it’s hell for other people though. The restaurant I work for is shut down for the next few weeks and I get to be on unemployment. Since I don’t get paid vacations I guess I’ll just have to consider this a paid stay-cation/writers getaway. With the mandate of only so many people per a building things are pretty damn crazy. I had to go get food (and coffee!) for myself and my animals and I do regret going out. I stopped at one store and the line to even get in the building was pretty insane and filled with anxious people ranting and yelling about how they’re not scared. I ended up going to another store and the only reason they weren’t that busy is because everything was just about empty.

Walking around the desolate shelves trying to figure out what I could make I walked past employees taking the time to deep clean around what people left behind. I realized how happy I was to be vegetarian and most of my food stuff is dried in the pantry. I don’t really need much to get by, but most people don’t have that luxury or the knowledge or the time necessary to be flexible with what or how they eat. The topic of how I think our eating habits have become monochromatic and ways to help popped up in my mind. So I guess I managed to find another topic there. (Nice!) While standing in line it also hit me that I was at this very same store back in 2012 when MERS hit. Same disease with some new add-ons and a worse reaction all around. It’s weird to me how things will always repeat.

While it sucks that I’m pretty much on unemployment I’m kind of happy to have a break from my crazy routine and allow my brain to reboot. Not to mention my car is in the shop, so I was having a hard time getting to work anyways. Am I being selfish or optimistic? Only time will tell. I know that I’m going to be clawing at the walls by day 3, but I also have no excuses standing in my way to write and do some more research. I did get a nice short story written the other day and I need to finish it then hopefully all of the different things that my mind wanted to wander on will get completed. I don’t know, but for right now it’s all I do want to do.

A week prior to this I actually went to the hospital. I had a pretty bad emotional breakdown and was almost hospitalized. The only thing that kept me out of it was the fact that I had to take care of my animals. No one is there to take care of them and they keep me from hurting myself in the end. This is more information than I ever give anyone, but no one’s really reading this anyways, so it’s just nice to get it out. The stress of everything and the commute just made it easy for me mull over all of the shitty things in my life, and how I’ve managed to fuck myself over with a job that’s not enough for me to get back on my feet plus being insanely far away. All I want to do is get back on my feet. I don’t care about much else outside of getting myself back into a secure spot again. I’ve had some interviews and my boss is also trying to help me find extra work. It helped. With the crisis I don’t know how I’ll be, but at least I know that I have something to focus on outside of my situation. I felt like I wasn’t working hard enough to get myself out of the shits and now can’t work at all! My car is broken and now I really don’t need it. I wanted to write more and now I have the time. I am glad to take in the benefits to this strange situation and actually be able to sit down and put some more bricks onto my foundation.

Plus I get to read, water my plants, snuggle with my rabbit and let my chinchilla do his parkour in the front entryway. These things bring me joy. I’ll focus on what I can control for this moment and see where it takes me.

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