Coming Up Short

It’s almost a month of being out of work now. Usually it wouldn’t be this long for me to find something else, but with the whole state being on shut down it’s understandable that so many of us are out of work. In the middle of keeping busy I have been thinking over what my next move is. Like sitting in front of a chessboard that no one can make a move on yet. Flitting between depression and bouts of inspiration has been exhausting. Writing when my mind feels like it has an angry horde of wasps instead of brain meat is difficult, but pushing through it is how you grow. At least that’s what they say right?

It’s ok though if people can’t get things written and done right now. A lot of people want to talk about how easy it is to get into something creative now that we all have time, but it’s really not that easy for most people. With the weight of uncertainty hanging over everyone how can we really expect people to be excited for creative endeavors? I know I sure as shit can’t. So since I can’t get my mind to focus on what I want it to focus on, I guess I have to keep switching between things till I find something that it will want to do. I never want to exercise but I’m always happy once I get out to do it and I can always loose myself in research. Those are my comfort activities. Weird I know. Even though I’ve only started running for about a couple of weeks I can already feel my progress and my strength coming back. I love that powerful feeling I get when I’ve pushed myself past what I thought I couldn’t do.

If it wasn’t for my writing goals I would totally loose track of where I was in the week. It’s been really difficult for me to conceptualize that it’s been a full month of not working. At times it’s liberating and other times I feel numb. Instinctively I want to push through and fight, but I know it does nothing but drain me of my energy and resources. Lately I’ve been working on allowing myself to actually rest. Relaxing is so difficult when you’re used to having thousands of things to do. It’s natural to want to keep busy. Part of me feels like I’m in mourning for myself.

A part of me died and I’m working through it all. There was a lot of denial and anger and now I’m in the isolation and depression stage. I think I’ve really started running because I’m need to run away from my life and the people demanding answers from me. Run away from myself.  I know I’m not going back to my career at this point, I have other things I’d like to pursue and once the dust settles hopefully I can find something that will help me support these new projects. It feels like such a long shot at this point but I figured if one more bad thing happens maybe I should play the lottery for once. What could go wrong?

For now I do have to keep forcing myself to wake up and to take care of my animals while the small threads of a plan form themselves together. I also have to NEVER watch another reality tv show. Tiger King will haunt me for life I think. I wish I hadn’t watched that alone. I know a good deal of it was the editing, but shit somethings you can’t make up. I watched Uncorked and I highly suggest that as a pallet cleanser. It’s a little far fetched to see someone go for a master Sommelier certification, but it was refreshing to see a black man be passionate about something other than getting rich or sports. The music was amazing! The first thing drawing you into the story is the music. Music gets you into the right headspace and helps to immerse you in a world you might not be familiar with. If you are familiar with the world, the music will bring you into a state of nostalgia and connects you to the world. The characters were well portrayed, with their own motivations and agency, and the emotional distance between father and son is something that’s rarely explored. Not to mention when the protagonist looses his mother while trying to fallow his goals. How many movies are there where a black man is allowed to show grief? How many men in the media are allowed that in general? Not many. It’s usually through anger or sex that men are allowed to show any emotion because in any other way it would be seen as cowardly. Which is a shame.

I could go on about this movie, but seriously it is a good watch. If you’re into analysing stories and need a weird hobby check it out. I’s dynamic on a lot of fronts that more than make up for it’s faults. As for right now I’ll continue to distract myself with stories from a galaxy far, far away.

G’night

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