Any more these days my writing has been for myself. Something to clear my mind. Shortly after I’d wrote last I had to go back to working at the restaurant and after about a week of that insanity I could see how quickly that was going to spiral out of control. It was also painfully obvious how expendable everyone was to the business. Long story short I moved and managed to find myself another job. Right now I feel very, very in over my head as the situation continues to move forward and I feel as if I can’t get my feet under me. I can’t tell where the line is between my self-doubt and the facts of the situation.
I just keep thinking back to that feeling of relief when the shelter in place order happened back in March and I didn’t have to go into that building. I didn’t have to drive all that way to deal with those people. Now I don’t have to live in that world anymore and I can’t help, but feel like a fraud. I know anything is better than what I was doing. It has to be right?
Now I’m able to work from home, but the anxiety I was feeling has been replaced by a whole new level of fear. Mostly in my ability to perform. I’m spinning wondering if what I did was the correct thing. I’m used to showing up and already knowing what to do without having to think about it. All of that went to an abrupt halt in the best way possible. I needed to rip off the Band-Aid, but seeing as this job is mostly paid out of commission I can’t help but have money stress. Either way something wasn’t working so I changed it. Either way I have to make it work.
I feel a little crazy for jumping careers like I did, but I couldn’t keep repeating my old path. That caused nothing, but pure struggle.
So now what?
Now I’ll continue to write on the side and I’ve decided that I should start posting my semi-novel-comic here. Mostly to keep myself grounded in the craziness to come. I had signed up for a writing competition right as this all started and I actually ended up getting some pretty amazing ideas from it even if I didn’t make it in the competitions. In the chaos I found clarity. I’m excited to see where it goes, but fuq it scares me.